Paige's Pages

Praying for my sister as she prepares.

Thankful for my husband being home this week.

Wishing I was done reorganizing the kids' rooms.

Looking forward to time with friends next week.

In awe of my brave friend, K.

Thankful for time with Liz & Amy last night.

Wishing my tailbone would stop hurting.

Hoping for sound sleep tonight.

Wanting to cuddle up on the couch with Josh.

Tired of second-guessing...

Expectant of fun Sunday night.

Realizing, once again, that life is hard.

Thankful I don't walk alone.

Grateful.  Grateful.  Grateful.

For the last two nights, I've been drawn to my computer for creative purposes.  Yes, I know ~ I actually posted!  But that's not what I'm referring to...

Last night & tonight, I sat down at my 'idea spot' ~ a little Word file on my desktop that Quinne suggested I start in which to put stray thoughts & blog ideas. The hope being that I might actually remember some of the things I'd like to write about before the day sucked away my memory. 

The result of these two late night events are two original songs.  As in full lyrics.  You know, two verses, a chorus, a bridge even. 

The last time I wrote a song was 12 years ago, the summer I met Josh.

I've been praying for the Lord to help me process my emotions, find a way to 'get them out.' 
Ummm...yeah.

So only one has a piece of a melody ~ one of the choruses.  The whole thing came tumbling out after I wrote my last post on love.  The other, I'm pretty sure it's going to be in E minor ~ it's about Josh.  And E minor is his key.  I wrote a love song.  Unbelievable.

I'll keep you posted...if I don't chicken out.

The call to love.  His greatest commandment, no doubt.  I think He knew exactly how high a calling this would be and I think He knew we would continually struggle to get it right.  He knew we would say the words, "I love you," and as soon as we became disillusioned or disappointed, our actions would betray us.

How many times have my actions betrayed my words?  Yours?
More times than I care to recount.

But this is the one call of which I am certain.

LOVE.

Love is patient.  Love is kind. 
It does not want what belongs to others. 
It does not brag.  It is not proud.  It is not rude.
It does not look out for its own interests.
It does not easily become angry.
It does not keep track of other people's wrongs.
Love is not happy with evil.  But it is full of joy when the truth is spoken.
It always protects.  It always trusts.  It always hopes.
It never gives up.
Love never fails.

How did I know I'd lost His version of love (while there's only one TRUE version, there are all the cheap imitations we employ...)?

Hope lost.  Jealous.  Easily angered.  Little patience.  Fleeting kindness.  Thinking of my interests first.  Keeping a list of what other people are doing wrong (& checking it twice, too).  Lack of trust.  And last of all, giving up. 

Okay, not in a turning away, rejecting Christ kind of way.  But in the end, if I follow that trail where it leads ~ to its true end, won't I surely be led away from Him?  If I reject His version of love ~ being satisfied with my own agenda, being rude when I think it's appropriate (you know, just at home where nobody sees...), keeping those tallies, letting hope be squelched ~ won't that ultimately harden my heart & turn me into a bitter stream? 

Can bitter water & fresh water flow from the same stream?

I can't love His way with a bitter stream.  He has to purify the waters of my stagnating heart.  He has to filter & cleanse.  But ever the Gentleman, He won't force this cleansing on me.  He'll wait.  He'll let me get covered with muck & crud.  He'll let me deceive myself into thinking I'm alright.  Then, the Holy Spirit He gave as a deposit in my life will sound the shofar, and like the child I am, I'll realize ~ horrified, that I'm naked.    In his great mercy,  the One who is able to make me see with clear vision once more, will call me to Himself.

And once more, I will sit at His feet.  Not lost, but found.  I will wonder in awe at His great love.  And as I'm filled, I'll begin to spill over...and love you, too.

Funny how the Lord provides simple little catalysts to come in & shake us up, isn't it? To re-balance our lives? To re-engage & refresh our hearts? To break through the hardened clay...?

It all started with the finding of an old friend on Facebook.

This week, two of my very best friends from 5th & 6th grades, from before we moved to Shelby, found me here. What a treat!! Finding them & reconnecting made me a bit nostalgic...

I was recounting this wonderful occurrence to another dear friend tonight and trying to remember the last contact or communication I had with one of these friends, Lori. I knew she had surprised me by coming to my wedding eleven years ago, and I thought I also remembered that she participated in a 30th birthday surprise my sister coordinated five years ago.

Sure enough, I dug out the lovingly-made scrapbook that Quinne planned & put together. In it, personal letters she collected from people who've known and loved me over the years. A priceless, overwhelming treasure of encouragement, to be sure. Words, some more flowery than others, all designed to remind me of who God made me to be & how He'd used this little cracked pot over the years. Among these treasures, a letter from Lori. I was amazed at the memories she shared (just as I was the first time I read it!) ~ many I remembered, many I'd forgotten.

After I read Lori's letter, I flipped to the beginning of the book and began reading each gift, one by one. If you know me at ALL, you know it didn't take long for the waterworks to start. It'd been quite sometime since I'd read them all, so once again, I sat completely overwhelmed. Letters from my husband, my sister, my father. Letters from loved ones near & far, including FOUR pages from my octogenarian Grandmother ~ by HAND. Letters from my dearest and oldest friends.

And in the reading came a much-needed dose of perspective.

For the last quite-some-time, I have felt 'less.' Not quite me, not quite the person I've always been. Because of how I am, ~ open-book, what you see is pretty much what you get ~ when I am 'off,' I tend to not know how to just be. If I can't lay it all out there, I can't lay anything out there. If it's just surface stuff, it feels fake ~ I typically prefer deep on any & every level. When I'm hurting or confused, I shut down a little. Now, I know this is a normal reaction for most people, but it just doesn't occur very often in my life. I don't shut down, seal off, push away. So when it happens, it scares me a bit, making me even MORE unsure. Especially scary to me is that I don't see it coming. I can't identify it until time has passed & the air clears. You'd think people who wear life on the cuff of their sleeves would know how they felt, wouldn't you? Not me, apparently. Dad used to tell me I was a 'stuffer,' like him. I thought I'd dealt with those tendencies. Maybe. Maybe not. The jury's still out.

Regardless, God has been faithful in this odd season. He's held me close, whispering His Truth in my ear. I have put one foot in front of the other & somewhat-normal days have been the product. I have managed to love the people in close proximity to me with the measure He's given me.

But this note is largely an explanation or apology of sorts to those of you who haven't been in quite as close proximity for awhile. The revelation tonight was this: I forgot to love you His way. Not my way, His way. It's not just one of you; it's many of you, hence this very broad forum. I'll admit, I don't know how to love perfectly, but I do know the One who loves perfectly. And I am certain He is able to bring His joyful love back into fullness. I believe tonight was part of His healing process for me. There have been and continue to be waves of grief, hurt & fear. Some are easy to identify. Some not so much. I'm sorry I didn't know how to handle them better than I have. In my weariness, I have wounded others. I'm so very sorry.

I put myself out here tonight because I'm trusting Him to complete His good work. Please know this is not a plea for sympathy. He is truly my Comforter. I simply wanted to try to be as honest as I can be right now. It's not honesty the way I like it ~ naked and bare. It's a bit more reserved. But I'm working through it. I am trying & I won't give up. Thank you to my WONDERFUL friends & family for loving me anyway. You are an example to me, and I thank you. To my sister, Quinne: you called the scrapbook "the ultimate mirror-talk." Yep. And once again, God has used your care, your thoughtfulness, your gift-giving talent for His good.

Now, as thankfulness has begun to be the overwhelming emotion, I thank God for every memory of each of you. Every cup of coffee, every too-long phone call, every email, every moment shared in worship, every tear shed together, every song sung at the top of our lungs. Tonight, I am thankful for each & every moment you've given me. I am so blessed. Thanks be to Jesus, our Lord & Savior for His unending mercy & love, as well as His concern over every small detail of our lives.

Love wins,
Paige

I wish you could see what I see.

Of course, you'll catch a glimpse once I'm able to post pictures, but even then, it will only be two-dimensional.

I guess "I wish you could feel what I feel," would be more appropriate.

This house.  On this lake.  Surrounded by these trees.  Which hold these just-turning leaves. 
Which are gently moving in this perfect 70 degree-ish breeze.

I would gladly share it with you.  If...

If you would sit quietly with me.  Sipping coffee.  Reading a book.  Thankful.

I know you would. 

That's why I wish...

One reaches out.  The other pulls back.

Words spoken from both ~ can't retrieve them.

Enter the Choice.

Put up a wall & turn the heart away.  Or love through a wrong moment.

Why is it so hard?  Not now, in the aftermath.  But in that moment?

If it wasn't hard, He wouldn't have had to show us how to do it.

Today, brokenness & sorrow at the hurt inflicted.

Forgiveness?  Always.

I'm convinced ~ theses are the moments where marriages are saved or broken forever.

Roll to the middle, baby...I always will.

I am officially gearing up. 

We will start school at some point between now & the Tuesday after Labor Day.  In my heart, I want to start before our trip to New York, but I have a couple things left on my summer to-do list that must be done before we begin our new schedule.  I really don't want to wait til September, but it looks like that might be the best plan after all.

I have been leafing/reading through some of our resources for the year:  Celebrating Biblical Feasts, English from the Roots Up, God and the History of Art, Writing Strands, and more.  I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a wee bit intimidated.  While I know the gentle way My Father's World (MFW) weaves a year together, it has yet to be started, and until we're actually doing it, I'll be a little, well, intimidated.  That's how I've felt every year we've homeschooled.  Just a little nervous.  Still, it's not an unsettled nervous.  I know without a shadow of a doubt that the Lord will provide just what we need ~ He always does.  But I'm chomping at the bit to go ahead and start so I can get this little crop of butterflies OUT of my stomach!

This will be the first year Max & Halle will share a curriculum.  MFW designs their 2nd-8th grades to be combined as much as possible, with just age-appropriate math & language arts done separately.  Now, Halle has always participated in what Max's 'older' curriculum had us doing, but this coming year, it's as much hers as it is his.  Sure, we'll still have different expectations on the level of work they each produce, but we'll be working together on it all ~ that is SO exciting to me.  Now I just have to be sure I have my expectations in the right place.

Anyhoo, for all of you who are doing what I'm doing, I hope you have a wonderful year ~ filled with beautiful journeys, meaningful conversation, and tons of FUN!